Saturday, 13 September 2008

• Stop it, Nicolas Cage.

  I'm serious, dude. Stop it. Stop being in movies. You haven't been in a good movie since Con Air, and that was ONLY good because of Steve Buscemi, and anything he is in is automatically awesome. Also, stop with the awful hairstyles. I can't think of any other actor in the world that has gone through such a plethora of hairstyles that weren't even close to hip when you had them, yet you still continue to get one horrible style after another. But I don't need to explain to you why you're so bad, because you'll still make movies for whatever reason, and everyone will continue to think your movies are horribly bad.

  I'm not going to talk about Nicolas Cage as an actor anymore, lets talk about his most recent movie, and more importantly, the movie's poster. The movie poster for Bangkok Dangerous is quite possibly the most horribly constructed pile of vomit to ever come out of photoshop's virtual mouth. Lets take a look and analyze this piece of design garbage.

  

  My first thought after I could draw my eyes away from Nicolas Cage's apparently floating face on a head facing a different direction was trying to figure out what the body haunted by Nicolas Cage's face was doing. It dawned on me that clearly this guy had a hell of an itch on his right shoulder blade, and he was trying his damnedest to scratch it. Also, I couldn't help but notice this poor man is waste deep in what is apparently the molten rivers of Mustafar. The focal point of this image, however, is the giant hand in the middle of the composition. Due to the sheer size of this hand, which is about 1.25x the size of Nicolas's disembodied face, I decided that it must not be his hand, but the hand of someone much closer to the camera, wearing a similar leather jacket. While the figure itself is horrible, I also find myself trying to figure out why the sky over Bangkok is shattering like glass. I've never actually been to Thailand, so I suppose this could be an actual occurrence over there, which would indeed make Bangkok dangerous.

  But see, I should totally work for whatever graphic design company they hired to make that poster. I could totally be Nicolas Cage!

  

  I thoroughly encourage everyone to make their own Bangkok Dangerous profile picture. It's fun, and it makes you feel professional, like the designer of the actual poster!

  So, Nicolas, my point is that not only do you star in horrible movies, but the posters for your movies are comparably just as horrible. So, to reiterate my stance from before, Stop it. Fucking stop it.

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